A cold winter evening...

And then you decided to just get up and walk away. I knew that this was coming, but I was not sure of the time and place. If I could plan this in my mind, I would have planned it exactly this same way. Nothing would be different.

The feeling of seeing you walking away was like being pierced in my chest with a cold knife. A knife so cold that it could heal the big skin-deep wounds. It would have been the coldest day in winter with snow falling down on me and you. The slow breeze making the snowflakes dance. The dark alley where you would take me would be long and dark, just enough, so that no one could see us. My pain would be left bouncing across the walls. It would be a loud shriek in my mind but it would be just a failed attempt to gather any attention.

Well, it felt similar to what I had thought it would be like. But it was not. You were just perfectly dressed, dressed to kill. In that tight hugging red skirt of yours. That dress, looking at which people would lose their control. You had the perfect silhouette on the wall as you got up. I would fall in love once again looking at the shadow.

You got up and I knew exactly what you would say. "Its getting cold and suffocating here, forgive me. I need to go.Good bye." You knew this was the last goodbye. My heart was hung on the dry line with the blood dripping. You selfish one, you just didn't care. 

Devil, unknown

I saw him from the corner of my eye. He was wearing a white shirt, it had some spots that I could not see with my blur vision. I tried to focus, for some time that I was focusing I was gasping for some breath, my heart beating faster. Blood!!!

Rewind, to that morning. I was traveling to meet this friend of mine who I had not seen in ages. I had avoided  him for some reason that I could not remember now. He, though was as always thoughtful, supportive. I could not think of any reason on this planet why I would want to hurt him. We had walked miles together on bright sunny and sweaty afternoons. We had counted stars on cloudless nights, promising to get the final count tallied. We swore that we would make the trees sway with our breaths. He was like my shadow who would follow or lead me at times in this walk of life. He had helped me recover from a mishap, picked thorns from my feet and sensed a concern in my silence.

He and I had a fight before a few years and I do not remember the reason. Ego won! We stopped being in touch for a long time and we continued on our separate paths. I stumbled at start, fell in potholes which I should have spotted from distance. I thought this is a learning curve that I have to go through because of being lonely. However, I would come out stronger of this situation as I had always done.

After a few years, we somehow met in a friend's marriage. We looked at each other and realized that past is past and we should get back together - as friends, as dream watchers and as time chasers. We thought we have left everything behind and things would be fine now. They would come to a point where we would pick things from where we had left them - all that was needed to be done was dusting of a few thoughts. We started talking about those endless walks that wore out the roads to dreamland. The sky was blue and open again. I could breathe freely without any feeling of walls closing on me.

After that meeting we decided to meet at our old spot. This would be a meeting that would lay seeds for a new future. I did not expect this way though. He wore a spotless white shirt and blue denim jeans. We used to come there during our engineering days to share our troubles, gossips or just to be calm. Suddenly, I felt giddy, like something sharp had hit me. My vision was getting blurry, I could breathe only in gasps and lost consciousness.  I saw him walk close to me at first. I looked at his shirt and I saw blood on it, a red spray. My stomach churned and I touched my shirt and saw my hands dripping with red blood. That smell of blood was so distinct. I fell to my knees and kept losing my grip on consciousness.

I suddenly saw him run away from me, he was fading away. I was going to die at the spot where I had spent the most trusted moments of my life. I got up with sudden jolt. I got up with my hands still dry, still red. I looked at them and it was not hurting anymore. I got up, first on my knees and then on my legs. I walked in the direction he ran. The pain was gone. I saw a trail mark of blood and few steps around the corner I saw him lying down. I went closer to him, shook him but he would not respond. I checked his pulse, he had moved on forever. I had killed him, in rage, in frustration and in confusion. I wanted to show him I had a bigger ego and I was not a victim. But I was one, I just didnt know it yet! I was a devil, unknown. 

Last thoughts!

Lights go down and the heaven sleeps
Deep down the crust, flows a creek
Fight for survival keeps going on
Countless casualties till the dawn

As the stars watch astonished from up above
Dripping blood yearns for some love
Howls of owl keep the watch
Countless demons still at large

Basic instincts sharpen as the chill sets in
Tired legs search for end of the turn
Sleepless eyes search for a hiding
Cries tear the clouds, the moon shining

Fear grips the strongest of the hearts
Sweaty hands, bruised palms, missing parts
Haunting thoughts overshadowing scary mind
Happy memories all left behind

'Oh, will this ever end? Or I am trapped?
feeling the endless cocoon all wrapped
around me and death smiling, grinning
in the last moment it is winning!'

upside down

the day's molten heat gripped my rubber shoes. as i walked away from it, it trickled through the cracks of wooden floor; crawled towards me. i had seen this in my dream sometimes, it was all so charismatic and thrilling. i was however, running towards the molten day in my dream. why was i running away now?

the night started to freeze. i turned the heater on and it suddenly was gripped with sharp knife edges of snow. i must be tripping, i thought. this is the opposite of reality. i opened the window and a cold breeze embraced me like my death. she was so peaceful yet so chilling.

i walked on the beach and looked at the sky, under my head. the water went upside down as waves formed and then went back up as the wave subsided. wind created ripples in the sky. i felt the sky extending its arms towards me and i wanted to fall in it but i could not, gravity had given up. well no, it was acting opposite as if someone just dialed it in the reverse direction suddenly.

sun is all dark today, as against yesterday when it was oozing bright energy. it is dying, i thought or being reborn? it was a massive ball far away with red ring around it shining in the night. or may be the fuel on this side of it burned out and that side just started burning, just like a forest fire would spread. i was wondering if life would now start on the other side of solar system. it was a weird thought.

moon had disappeared, nasa and other authorities were looking for it for months and could not find it. may be it just gathered enough escape velocity and sprung itself away from gravity of earth. it left a white mark in space though all through its path, may be they can trace it that way and bring it back one day. was it an organism with beating heart that just ran away when it saw something different?


this too shall pass i thought. then i had a sudden jerk and i woke up and whatever i had seen in my dreams was a reality. 

Tranquility

Another day passing by. Passing by while I look outside the window 'how beautiful the World has been, or was or can be!'. Another moment slips by without realizing that once gone it will be never back again. May be it will be captured in my mind as a calm serene tranquility. Peaceful as the shadow of a mango tree on a harsh summer afternoon when I heard the wind sing to me. The chorus was framed far away by the bell in a cow's neck. I saw those dry grass streaks rustling and whispering that this moment too is passing by.

The fearless moments that I have enjoyed within myself seem to be reborn every time I remember those calm moments. I am sure you had your share of them, don't you love to weave them in paintings, in words, or in your pictures? The moment that gave you a sense of relief from the tiredness, so real. I feel that the people that I know are slipping away, may be it is a magic trick played by my thoughts just to confuse me. I do not know if I have enough chips on my side to raise that blind but I would love to. I would love to see them coming back to me, some time - some moment where we could ride the bicycle as effortlessly as we used to do or swim to the other side of the river and look how tiny others look from this side.

It has become a fast paced, goal based life where these moments are a rare thing. I experience them at times when I am lying down on my couch on a lazy Saturday afternoon, just by myself listening to an old song. It is rare alright but it is worth fighting for. Or when I splash the water on my face while in the shower and there it is that homely feeling, ecstasy. Cherish it while it lasts, search for it until your feet give you the road. 

Devil is in the details

I have been listening to this line time and again, mostly in the context of the US debt deal. Even though that has passed at this time, I am thinking is there really a devil in details?

I would rather disagree to the most part. For great scientists, musicians, artists and surviving human beings, devil is in not getting enough details. I do not think that Da Vinci would have painted so amazingly if he would not have seen even the leaves rattling in the wind. Imagine Lata-ji without those minute details when she is singing her melodies.

However, I get the context that when you are so closely watched by billions of people on this planet you would want it to get over quickly. In terms of the debt deal the leadership was questioned and challenged time and again. The desire of devils flared up as time went by and both the parties wanted to make sure that they come out as winners. In this they had to ensure others that their desire is the best for the US citizens. When so much is at stake and people use zoom in so extensively, devils is in the details. You do not want to come out as a devil yourself with election race heating up.

Focus on the details as much as you can, I think that is what has and will set you apart from others. Learn the most and grow through the details! Politics will always be a center piece of human evolution and provides a lot of fodder for daily humor. Enjoy every step!

Drive through the memory lane

Things had gone faster than expected. The pages have turned on themselves faster than the wind of life. The bookmark, a dried leaf from childhood, has even grown its own elements.

However, memories are still fresh in mind. Things can be so simple and yet so difficult to comprehend and to act on. Sometimes logic caves in and it is void that lives at that spot. Forgotten are the fights which made things black and blue but remembrance of happiness linger on and give a sudden kick start. The grip on the hand is long gone but impressions of them have left their prints.

Its like a drive through the country side, while playing a favorite song and singing it while you are thinking of memories associated with it rather than road ahead. The breeze on that drive was same as breeze the day we walked together. The sun rays are dancing on the wet road and they have not dispersed but formed a bright diamond on it. Windows rolled down and hands trying to grip the air as they had done earlier. There is no fear of any past or future like it never was. Forever!

Remember??

1. Do you remember the breeze that you enjoyed sitting on a bench with your friend and talking about something stupid or serious?
2. Do you remember the happiness of seeing someone whom you always want happy smile while they enter a room and look at you?
3. Do you remember holding hands as you walk on the road without even thinking about it twice?
4. Do you remember being foolish while buying your gift for your first love?
5. Do you remember the shiver through you as you looked at your loved one after a long time even though you met her/ him last evening?
6. Do you remember the long walk that seemed shorter than a walk in your room?
7. Do you remember the end of the evening as the talks started getting more interesting?
8. Do you remember that desire to meet someone constantly by forced accidents and smiling over it on your way back and still feeling lucky?
9. Do you remember the comfort of being with a person whom you knew in a group of people?
10. Do you remember the moment when you both realized something and there was no need to talk any more?
11. Do you remember the smile on your face when you saw that someone get up in the morning when you called and instead of hearing 'Hello' you hear a 'Smile'?

Just remember those moments because you would come back to them later on in life and you would want to enjoy them in your thoughts again!!

A Walk through desert

As the small young feet dragged themselves in the sand, all he could think of was how he had spent his evening by the river once. He had met some new people who had come there with their kids and they had shown some interest in him. They shared their games with him and also enjoyed a dip in the river. They had searched for shells under water and he could still feel the multi-colored shells which he believed were God-sent.

However, he was far away from that spot now and though the memories were drenching his heart wet his feet were slow as they walked through the dunes of a hot blooded desert. The desert had never been this hot for a while and neither had it been so calm and lonely. He remembered how excited he was when he first stepped in the cold sand on the morning before. He had also thought that if he can survive this experience he would have something to look forward to. What, he was uncertain! But something that he would love and live for.

He remembered that his journey began with 3 people who called themselves 'Gypsies', word he found familiar though he had heard it for the first time. His young skin had never felt so cold before though he had come from an icy land in the North. A gypsy recommended him to walk bare feet if he wanted to enjoy his life in the future. He could not connect the dots until he let his naked feet touch the sand. He loved the feeling so much that he threw his shoes away and started to run as fast he could.

As the Sun started fading away in the horizon leaving behind sparks of orange he realized that it was evening. He had walked so much that he could not feel his feet and suddenly with sand turning colder he felt a shiver run through his spine, feet first. He remembered the words of that gypsy 'Do not stop until you see a drop'. However, he was very tired and could not continue any longer in that harsh cold which gripped him like her own child. He remembered his mother like never before and wished that if only he could touch her face once.

Haunted

The door had been kept open. He knew that he had laundry to pick up and should not take more than 10 minutes and he thought it is not enough time for anyone to sneak in and moreover the neighborhood was calm and people were sober.

It was an apartment on the 4th floor and though old building had been recently renovated. The walls were painted in cream color, however the stairs were left brown, aged. They were so old that even the owners had assumed it as an original color.

As he walked in the enclosed confinement of the passage he was humming a song, an old hindi classic. Something that was haunting in its essence and which reminded him of his own haunted dreams. He had always seen someone observing him when he hummed that song. He saw an old woman who hid behind a wall and had a grin on her face as she saw him do his activities. This would scare him so much that he would run closer to his parents as a kid, when he saw her smiling and observing. First he thought it was an old protecting soul who had come to see that no harm happens to him. However, as days went he would shiver by just the thought of it.

Tonight as he walked through the passage he saw the old woman. However, she wasn't observing him from a distance she was way too close to him. He could feel her walking with him and he walked faster as he approached the end of the passage. He felt as if roof is way to closer than ever before. He looked up and saw her looking at him, observing with same grin as he had dreamed her.

Story a dream has to tell..

A recurring dream can be inferred as a dream that haunts you every night it strikes you. Though you know what's coming your way the effect and haze of dreamland makes it impossible to come out of it. A dream that sends that shrill down your spine!!

I see a constant dream where I see small multicolored balls. They are bouncing across the walls of my mind and gravity has its effects. However, they decrease in size with time initially and pose as if they would disappear. Suddenly, they start to grow as they bounce back and forth. Their size seems to define the volume of the space. Next thing I remember is they disappear and room is empty.

Phase-II starts with me running in space and I run as if some one's life depends on me and I have to get there to open a safety lock. Suddenly I feel that I am the prey and something is chasing me. I run like a machine only difference is I don't get anywhere. I feel like running in a vacuum with no friction and no ground. The sense of losing the grip is evident in my efforts without gaining any momentum. Frustrated and scared I wake up and don't know what to infer from these dreams, if anything at all.

RATM

A very good song by RATM:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fkuOAY-S6OY&feature=fvw

Killing in the name of!

Illusion called 'Privacy'

In this age of ‘You-Twit-Face-ogle’ it’s getting increasingly difficult to contain your information private. With more information readily available from various sources may it be business related information or government data, ‘Privacy’ is an illusion. Though security measures are highly recommended and applicable, violation of it is probable for future benefits.

Marketing firms are being more aggressive as the need to understand and analyze competitive strategies is of utmost importance. Basic product information is now obtained through re-engineering and surveys are getting less effective. With shopping malls, pharmacy stores, banks and vending machines becoming more user friendly a lot of data is accumulated. Data available can be requested by insurance firms, automotive companies or next door marketing firm in order to customize their offerings for each customer’s need at the right moment. This is a new age of utility offerings; ‘offer as is consumed’ is the new key punch line while proposing cost savings.

How sensitive can a consumer be then to her/ his own data? As the race to acquire more information to segment customer base aggravates, customers become more ignorant of their information or is it? More and more web 2.0 applications are offering security features at customer’s disposal. They can tweak the security features and make their identity less/ more public. However, with customer trying to do this, firms are taking more interest in places where customers have no control. Loyalty plan data for various firms is an immense pool to dive into and offers lot of advantages ranging from private selection of menus to basic information. It’s time to think whether your privacy really private??

some portion of me

lying on the floor, on a lazy gloomy day

pushing the air, carving faces in the clay

trusting inner instinct, feeling glee

carry no baggage, just let it be

fighting the rains, with an open umbrella

showing a poker face to that random fella

twisting the twigs as you search for the key

enjoy the moment, just be

inviting memories with an open arm

laugh on strangers, but you mean no harm

and searching for another route to flee

or a reason to stay, just to be

watching the trees sitting in a car

thinking of friends from so far

covering the wheels, that's a real me

decorating moments, glad to be me

Notes...

An evening. Puzzled, confused! Restlessness is overshadowing the moments and I fail to understand why. There is a variety of reasons for this to happen, which I do not think I should discuss here.

I have been reading this novel 'Sphere' by Michael Crichton. The best part of the novel is that I know what is coming but the way it is brought up is very shocking and different. The characters in the story have been developed very well as the pages turn.

I am using Pandora more often, the reason being that songs and singers are better linked. Eddie Vedder Radio created on Pandora is a fave. Wonder why the concept of Pandora took so long to develop? I searched for a Bollywood version of the same and could not find any.

With trip for India planned, I am thinking more about it. Looking forward to that trip, would be an understatement. With festivities beginning back home comes a lot of excitement and nostalgia.

Enjoy every step!

Weekend update

So the longest weekend ever in my school life is coming to an end! 4 days in a row can't get any better. Though most of it was spent amongst friends, shopping or reading a Sci-fi novel 'Sphere', it was much more than that.

American football: This was fun to watch. However, let me squeeze in another experience called Tailgate. Tailgate is a pre-game get together where people come together, grill some food and drink some beer. Its more of bonding and networking opportunity. People are on a high to hit the game and otherwise on the food and drinks. Though it was raining my classmates had enthu to gather in a parking garage and enjoy some air-time. Fun!!

Getting to American football. It was a game that BC dominated against Kent State school. They demolished them 21-0 by the second quarter. Yellow and Maroon supporting BC overcrowded even the sky. As the 2 big screens in the stadium flashed we were understanding the game. I am 23.89% more comfortable with the game now!

Soccer: I would have proudly said 'football' while in India, Soccer was a game of fun today. Though some jokes were cracked by American and Mauritian friends on IST, I was trying to convince that we have a good crowd heading and it will be a great game. With 4 players on either side, it was a fast moving game. With both the teams scoring 7 goals each, it was down to the golden goal. The last few minutes were roller-coaster ride. We attempted thrice and almost hit the pole once, but we lost it to white-T-team.

So, overall a good weekend! Now let me get back to the book. Adios!!

Pop-goes-the-cork!!

Has this ever happened to you? You have been sliced and pushed down with so much of pressure that you hardly find time to breathe. To top it off, you get stuffed in all the aspects of life such as your professional, personal, too-personal and social sides covered in deep-sh** and you cannot even run away and face them with all the weapons you have in your store, is the only option.

So, what you do is learn the skill of fighting in all the rings or war-fields and all of a sudden you blink and it all disappears! Its like you are standing in the middle of a ghost-Detroit-town and everything and everyone’s gone. You have the same puzzled look and peace masks as your enemy. Staring into the Sun till it transforms into the cold dark look of a moon-less sky you are horrified by the missing action.

Well, all you need to do is kiss the worries good-bye, smile and enjoy the free time at hand. Force yourself into that discomfort and watch the movies with popping corn in your hand. Take it easy!

Watch out! She has the power

As I walked out of the McDonald opposite my office, I noticed some construction work on the other side. I had just munched on two great snack wraps and was digging deep in my teeth, searching for the lost taste. I waited patiently and watched a few cars zoom past me. It was not uncommon to have a few stares.

The light turned Green for me and I started walking at an easy pace. As I crossed half the distance I saw that construction on the other side had slowed down the traffic completely. People were getting impatient and were looking at their watches. I saw a lady talking something as she steered her car in the middle lane. She looked in a hurry and I was doing what I do best when stuck in traffic. I was looking at the cars and sketching a few thoughts in my head. As she came closer to the crossing line I backed out even more, just to be safe.

She pushed the pedal, brake pedal and looked at me. Gave me a smile and waved indicating me to cross the road. I smiled, whispered 'Thank you', as I waved back. I saw cars following her, a little impatient. 'She had the power and she used it for some one's benefit' I thought as I reached the other side.

"If you want to test a man's character, give him power" - Abraham Lincon.

Need for speed!

I know the title of the post reminds you of a game which you used to play late in the nights, thinking that the morning would not come and you would continue playing. But parents played spoil-sport to it! Fantastic gaming marvel it was from EA sports!

Well, this is literal. No matter what I do, I enjoy speed. May it be biking (Beat Goes on), running or the latest passion, cycling. It is like an addiction which keeps on increasing no matter how hard I try to control. I remember missing the 5th gear in a Yamaha bike back in India, when I had experienced one of the most authentically freaked out night. Never had I experienced something like that, nor will I, EVER!

Cycling has been growing steadily with so many Biking trails around and so many PRO-bikers around. I tried racing with two of them yesterday. No match at all! They kept cruising far away the more I tried. Finally, I declared that I am dead and they disappeared as if nothing else mattered to them. However, its a sport that I used to enjoy back in my school days and which has been found again. Not that I have a light alloy based frame, but what I have is a tool to carve out memories.

Whatte-fun!! :)

Lets walk beyond distance

saw the moon painting the landscape

as I walked into the sea.

it was sharing all its thoughts

as if it was a part of me.

creating shadows on the pathway,

we both talked of sanity.

i pulled my sheets, she covered with stars,

wishing all the dreams to see.

purity, love and joy we talked,

we also talked about morality.

pain, hatred and lost passion we talked,

we spoke of insecurity.

they come, they go, dark in the moonlight,

holding hands behind the tree.

they live in heartbeats, thoughts,

and eyes for someone else to see.

just look in my eyes when you feel left out,

or when silence speaks as a bumble-bee.

hold my hand and walk outside the darkness,

lets think beyond you and me.