A cold winter evening...

And then you decided to just get up and walk away. I knew that this was coming, but I was not sure of the time and place. If I could plan this in my mind, I would have planned it exactly this same way. Nothing would be different.

The feeling of seeing you walking away was like being pierced in my chest with a cold knife. A knife so cold that it could heal the big skin-deep wounds. It would have been the coldest day in winter with snow falling down on me and you. The slow breeze making the snowflakes dance. The dark alley where you would take me would be long and dark, just enough, so that no one could see us. My pain would be left bouncing across the walls. It would be a loud shriek in my mind but it would be just a failed attempt to gather any attention.

Well, it felt similar to what I had thought it would be like. But it was not. You were just perfectly dressed, dressed to kill. In that tight hugging red skirt of yours. That dress, looking at which people would lose their control. You had the perfect silhouette on the wall as you got up. I would fall in love once again looking at the shadow.

You got up and I knew exactly what you would say. "Its getting cold and suffocating here, forgive me. I need to go.Good bye." You knew this was the last goodbye. My heart was hung on the dry line with the blood dripping. You selfish one, you just didn't care. 

Devil, unknown

I saw him from the corner of my eye. He was wearing a white shirt, it had some spots that I could not see with my blur vision. I tried to focus, for some time that I was focusing I was gasping for some breath, my heart beating faster. Blood!!!

Rewind, to that morning. I was traveling to meet this friend of mine who I had not seen in ages. I had avoided  him for some reason that I could not remember now. He, though was as always thoughtful, supportive. I could not think of any reason on this planet why I would want to hurt him. We had walked miles together on bright sunny and sweaty afternoons. We had counted stars on cloudless nights, promising to get the final count tallied. We swore that we would make the trees sway with our breaths. He was like my shadow who would follow or lead me at times in this walk of life. He had helped me recover from a mishap, picked thorns from my feet and sensed a concern in my silence.

He and I had a fight before a few years and I do not remember the reason. Ego won! We stopped being in touch for a long time and we continued on our separate paths. I stumbled at start, fell in potholes which I should have spotted from distance. I thought this is a learning curve that I have to go through because of being lonely. However, I would come out stronger of this situation as I had always done.

After a few years, we somehow met in a friend's marriage. We looked at each other and realized that past is past and we should get back together - as friends, as dream watchers and as time chasers. We thought we have left everything behind and things would be fine now. They would come to a point where we would pick things from where we had left them - all that was needed to be done was dusting of a few thoughts. We started talking about those endless walks that wore out the roads to dreamland. The sky was blue and open again. I could breathe freely without any feeling of walls closing on me.

After that meeting we decided to meet at our old spot. This would be a meeting that would lay seeds for a new future. I did not expect this way though. He wore a spotless white shirt and blue denim jeans. We used to come there during our engineering days to share our troubles, gossips or just to be calm. Suddenly, I felt giddy, like something sharp had hit me. My vision was getting blurry, I could breathe only in gasps and lost consciousness.  I saw him walk close to me at first. I looked at his shirt and I saw blood on it, a red spray. My stomach churned and I touched my shirt and saw my hands dripping with red blood. That smell of blood was so distinct. I fell to my knees and kept losing my grip on consciousness.

I suddenly saw him run away from me, he was fading away. I was going to die at the spot where I had spent the most trusted moments of my life. I got up with sudden jolt. I got up with my hands still dry, still red. I looked at them and it was not hurting anymore. I got up, first on my knees and then on my legs. I walked in the direction he ran. The pain was gone. I saw a trail mark of blood and few steps around the corner I saw him lying down. I went closer to him, shook him but he would not respond. I checked his pulse, he had moved on forever. I had killed him, in rage, in frustration and in confusion. I wanted to show him I had a bigger ego and I was not a victim. But I was one, I just didnt know it yet! I was a devil, unknown. 

Last thoughts!

Lights go down and the heaven sleeps
Deep down the crust, flows a creek
Fight for survival keeps going on
Countless casualties till the dawn

As the stars watch astonished from up above
Dripping blood yearns for some love
Howls of owl keep the watch
Countless demons still at large

Basic instincts sharpen as the chill sets in
Tired legs search for end of the turn
Sleepless eyes search for a hiding
Cries tear the clouds, the moon shining

Fear grips the strongest of the hearts
Sweaty hands, bruised palms, missing parts
Haunting thoughts overshadowing scary mind
Happy memories all left behind

'Oh, will this ever end? Or I am trapped?
feeling the endless cocoon all wrapped
around me and death smiling, grinning
in the last moment it is winning!'

upside down

the day's molten heat gripped my rubber shoes. as i walked away from it, it trickled through the cracks of wooden floor; crawled towards me. i had seen this in my dream sometimes, it was all so charismatic and thrilling. i was however, running towards the molten day in my dream. why was i running away now?

the night started to freeze. i turned the heater on and it suddenly was gripped with sharp knife edges of snow. i must be tripping, i thought. this is the opposite of reality. i opened the window and a cold breeze embraced me like my death. she was so peaceful yet so chilling.

i walked on the beach and looked at the sky, under my head. the water went upside down as waves formed and then went back up as the wave subsided. wind created ripples in the sky. i felt the sky extending its arms towards me and i wanted to fall in it but i could not, gravity had given up. well no, it was acting opposite as if someone just dialed it in the reverse direction suddenly.

sun is all dark today, as against yesterday when it was oozing bright energy. it is dying, i thought or being reborn? it was a massive ball far away with red ring around it shining in the night. or may be the fuel on this side of it burned out and that side just started burning, just like a forest fire would spread. i was wondering if life would now start on the other side of solar system. it was a weird thought.

moon had disappeared, nasa and other authorities were looking for it for months and could not find it. may be it just gathered enough escape velocity and sprung itself away from gravity of earth. it left a white mark in space though all through its path, may be they can trace it that way and bring it back one day. was it an organism with beating heart that just ran away when it saw something different?


this too shall pass i thought. then i had a sudden jerk and i woke up and whatever i had seen in my dreams was a reality. 

Tranquility

Another day passing by. Passing by while I look outside the window 'how beautiful the World has been, or was or can be!'. Another moment slips by without realizing that once gone it will be never back again. May be it will be captured in my mind as a calm serene tranquility. Peaceful as the shadow of a mango tree on a harsh summer afternoon when I heard the wind sing to me. The chorus was framed far away by the bell in a cow's neck. I saw those dry grass streaks rustling and whispering that this moment too is passing by.

The fearless moments that I have enjoyed within myself seem to be reborn every time I remember those calm moments. I am sure you had your share of them, don't you love to weave them in paintings, in words, or in your pictures? The moment that gave you a sense of relief from the tiredness, so real. I feel that the people that I know are slipping away, may be it is a magic trick played by my thoughts just to confuse me. I do not know if I have enough chips on my side to raise that blind but I would love to. I would love to see them coming back to me, some time - some moment where we could ride the bicycle as effortlessly as we used to do or swim to the other side of the river and look how tiny others look from this side.

It has become a fast paced, goal based life where these moments are a rare thing. I experience them at times when I am lying down on my couch on a lazy Saturday afternoon, just by myself listening to an old song. It is rare alright but it is worth fighting for. Or when I splash the water on my face while in the shower and there it is that homely feeling, ecstasy. Cherish it while it lasts, search for it until your feet give you the road. 

Devil is in the details

I have been listening to this line time and again, mostly in the context of the US debt deal. Even though that has passed at this time, I am thinking is there really a devil in details?

I would rather disagree to the most part. For great scientists, musicians, artists and surviving human beings, devil is in not getting enough details. I do not think that Da Vinci would have painted so amazingly if he would not have seen even the leaves rattling in the wind. Imagine Lata-ji without those minute details when she is singing her melodies.

However, I get the context that when you are so closely watched by billions of people on this planet you would want it to get over quickly. In terms of the debt deal the leadership was questioned and challenged time and again. The desire of devils flared up as time went by and both the parties wanted to make sure that they come out as winners. In this they had to ensure others that their desire is the best for the US citizens. When so much is at stake and people use zoom in so extensively, devils is in the details. You do not want to come out as a devil yourself with election race heating up.

Focus on the details as much as you can, I think that is what has and will set you apart from others. Learn the most and grow through the details! Politics will always be a center piece of human evolution and provides a lot of fodder for daily humor. Enjoy every step!

Drive through the memory lane

Things had gone faster than expected. The pages have turned on themselves faster than the wind of life. The bookmark, a dried leaf from childhood, has even grown its own elements.

However, memories are still fresh in mind. Things can be so simple and yet so difficult to comprehend and to act on. Sometimes logic caves in and it is void that lives at that spot. Forgotten are the fights which made things black and blue but remembrance of happiness linger on and give a sudden kick start. The grip on the hand is long gone but impressions of them have left their prints.

Its like a drive through the country side, while playing a favorite song and singing it while you are thinking of memories associated with it rather than road ahead. The breeze on that drive was same as breeze the day we walked together. The sun rays are dancing on the wet road and they have not dispersed but formed a bright diamond on it. Windows rolled down and hands trying to grip the air as they had done earlier. There is no fear of any past or future like it never was. Forever!